TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxury housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically noted for historic tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed from your putting inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Many of the best. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and totally from spot. Made by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable water. But Sure, guaranteed, let us have Yet another position where American Gentlemen can don robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though past negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is simpler: present Everybody a collection on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is comfortable energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and even more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It can be that he should quit making use of it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the task, replied, "You recognize, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Terrific tan. In any case, do I however have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Area, a characteristic staying promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents plus the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits after locating the constructing's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not only ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Baffling Options


Probably the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where guests may well contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with weather Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Local Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Strategy: "For those who Bomb It, They may Occur"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Without end."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "where's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is currently attracting awareness from Intercontinental investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel the place my PTSD can have switch-down company."


Yet another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies propose:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Feelings within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It needed a waterslide formed such as Constitution. I gave all of it three. You are welcome."

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